Paul S. Graham

Holy Shit, Batman! Canada might run out of combat troops before we run out of war!!

According to the Vancouver Sun, “The Canadian Armed Forces continue to face difficulties in securing the resources to keep 2,500 troops in Afghanistan. Recruitment drives have been under way to boost both the regular Forces and reserve numbers, but many soldiers are returning to Afghanistan for a second and third rotation.”

This is a serious problem, folks, but a remedy is at hand: send the people with the biggest stake in the outcome. That’s right, send bankers, senior bureaucrats, arms manufacturers (and their leading shareholders), and of course, the entire Liberal and Tory caucuses.

And while we’re at it, send the editorial board of the Winnipeg Free Press. Anyone who could write “Five years on, however, the world is a better, safer place because of the Iraq war.” needs a sabbatical, and fast. Where better than in the front line of Canada’s own little war?

But I digress.

Back to our politicians. It just isn’t fair that our Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, and Stephane Dion, Leader of Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition, just get short, teensie-weensie, little visits when they are such eager warriors. (Is it a coincidence that they have the same first name? I think not!) They royally deserve the opportunity to experience the thrill of combat, first hand, for an extended period — say to the end of December, 2011. And so they won’t be lonely, they should take their fellow members with them.

They would be a formidable force. Judging from their antics in Question Period, the Taliban wouldn’t stand a chance.

And in that time honoured tradition, I’ve even found a song to speed them on their way. (What would a war be without a song, I always say!)

You can sing along.

We Hate To See Them Go
by Malvina Reynolds

Last night I had a lovely dream.
I saw a big parade with ticker tape galore,
And men were marching there
The like I’d never seen before.

Oh the bankers and the diplomats are going in the army.
Oh happy day! I’d give my pay to see them on parade,
Their paunches at attention and their striped pants at ease.
They’ve gotten patriotic and they’re going overseas.
We’ll have to do the best we can and bravely carry on,
So we’ll just keep the laddies here to manage while they’re gone.

Chorus:
Oh, oh, we hate to see them go,
The gentlemen of distinction in the army.

The bankers and the diplomats are going in the army,
It seemed too bad to keep them from the wars they love to plan.
We’re all of us contented that they’ll fight a dandy war,
They don’t need propaganda, they know what they’re fighting for.
They’ll march away with dignity and in the best of form,
And we’ll just keep the laddies here to keep the lassies warm.

(Chorus)

The bankers and the diplomats are going in the army,
We’re going to make things easy cause it’s all so new and strange;
We’ll give them silver shovels when they have to dig a hole,
And they can sing in harmony when answering the roll,
They’ll eat their old K-rations from a hand-embroidered box,
And when they die, we’ll bring them home, and bury them in Fort Knox.

(Chorus)